October 15, 2016

I Lost Myself In Motherhood

Family

This past year has been a year of self discovery. I had lost myself in motherhood for the last five years.
All I ever heard was that motherhood was the most rewarding thing in life. I completely agree. I don’t remember one single conversation about the challenges in motherhood and just how is easy it is to loose yourself in it.

I lost myself between the sleepless nights, endless “To-Do” lists, working full time and  going to school.  I lost Jessica.

I experienced so much guilt when I even considered doing something that didn’t involve my children. “Oh man,” I don’t even think about doing anything outside motherhood. For some reason when I had my kiddos, I believed I had to give up everything to be a “good” mom. I thought my world had to revolve around everything they needed.  I nannied for years and brought my son to work,  when my daughter was born I cared for two kiddos and my kiddos and the only time to myself was the 2.5 hours at school (2 days a week). It didn’t help that I had people in my life that would constantly say, “ thats a part of motherhood, no time for you” Or  “thats what happens” and lets not even talk about the mom shaming that happens in our society…

“I let motherhood become me.”

I remember looking in the mirror one day not knowing who I was anymore. I was 100 lbs overweight but most important, I was physically unhealthy and depressed. I was growing resentment towards my husband because he had it “easy” or so I thought.

I let myself go, I didn’t take care of myself,  I ate all of my emotions and I let motherhood consume me. I let myself believe that anything outside my kids was defined as being a “bad mom”.

The year of 2014 was a life changing year for me. It was the year I took the first steps in taking care of myself. With doing that I had started the tripling effect into finding my passions. You can read more in (My Journey to Healthy)  Taking care of myself as  a whole has been the biggest gift to my children and husband. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle because I still do. It wasn’t until the past 6 months that I’ve started to look deeper into what brings my heart joy. I struggle not to feel selfish for doing something for myself. I feel guilty when my hubby takes the kiddos so I can go have a dinner date with a friend… For some reason it makes me feel like I’m not “mothering the right way”. Its taking time to retrain myself to think completely differently then what I have spent so many years thinking was the “right way” for me to be a mom.

 It took becoming completely exhausted  and questioning  why I had no interest in anything I did before having my kids, five years of being burnt  out with the mom shaming, and trying to fit this society expectation of what a mother “should be” to realize  “Jessica” outside of mommmyhood Is important.

Thus my 29th birthday was just 3 months ago “the unapologetic mom” was born!

All this to say I want to let any mommas out there who feel like they have lost themselves in motherhood  or are navigating finding themselves again… I want to tell you taking care of you is the one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself  and your kids.
We help mold and shape them to become adults one day and if we loose ourselves in motherhood how will our children ever fully understand how not to loose themselves!
So what has helped me so far in finding the ME again? You ask…

– I started with taking care of my health. Eating healthier, moving my body and you know what? It’s still a work in progress but I love me!
– I started doing things that once brought me joy.

–  I took up a few hobbies (photography and sewing)

– Ive learned to make time where I can wether it’s an afternoon on a friday or sticking to getting the kiddos to bed between 7-7:30 and spending a few hours with myself.
– Got involved and found local mom groups and made the effort to meet and make more mom friends! (it’s amazing!)

Just know your not alone in navigating motherhood.

Hashtag your unapologetic mom moments! lets Supprot each other!

-The unapologetic mom

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